Goodbye 2014!!!!!!

Goodbye 2014!!!!! Okay, so its time to say goodbye to 2014, and what a year. Looking back its been a good year as far as my legal battle has gone. Lots of things happened and there is lots more to come. I have already mentioned this but I will go over it again for those of you who might not know. In January a new police team in Dunlaoghaire headed up by Chief Superintendent Diarmuid O'Sullivan began to re-examine the file , my solicitor worked closely with them and by April and Noleens 41st Anniversary six of the men who abused me (known as the Sorrento Six were interviewed by the police).< On Noleens anniversary a petition with 12,444 signatures was handed in to the Department of Justice demanding that my case be part of The Commission to Investigate into the Guerin Report which was a review of Garda Mishandling and corruption. The Minister for Justice asked for a report into my case and then later on we found out that 305 cases of police corruption and Garda mishandling were submitted to the Department of justice. (This would later become 322 cases). This led to the setting up of a Review Panel of 7 barristers to look at these cases to see if they too could be added to the Guerin Report findings which could mean that our cases went to the Commission to Investigate and would be part of a public inquiry, back to that later. The Sorrento six (Who were dubbed the Sorrento Six by the garda, because they are the six remaining men who abused me in a house on Sorrento Road in Dalkey) were brought in for questioning again and some of their homes searched, one of them was thankfully removed from a large sports club in Dalkey where he had open access to over 200 children, another sacked as a taxi driver and another had to move from his local pub having been a customer there for over 40 years. The net was closing in and finally these men were beginning to be treated as suspects in a murder case and as prolific paedophiles and the risk they posed was finally being taken seriously as was the risk my two brothers posed. The police are still investigating and although it is painfully slow which causes me daily anguish and trauma I am hoping that things will be wrapped up pretty soon, I met with the police for five hours in June and I hope to meet with them again early in the new year. The police are pursuing two new avenues that I cannot reveal just yet but both of them could be the major breakthrough my case needs and could lead to justice. Separately to that, my case could be included in a public inquiry which would mean I could call the men who abused me as witnesses and finally reveal to the world just who they are and what they did to me and the part they played in covering up my daughters murder. The men are still being investigated and can be called back in for questioning at any time, and I'm hoping that one of the avenues the police are pursuing may see them finally prosecuted if all goes well. So in all 2014 was a good year with lots of positive developments in the case and lots of options available and some still available in my quest for justice. As always I was well supported by my friends and the Dalkey girls took a trip to Liverpool to spend quality time together which a great time was had by all! I was delighted to be able to spend time with my childhood friends who have supported me since day 1. I was as always supported by Simon and my immediate family and Simon's family and as most of you know Simon and I renewed our wedding vows in Gretna Green to celebrate 20 years of marriage which was absolutely awesome and wonderful. Not only was I supported by my lifelong friends and my family but as always I was supported by so many of you on Facebook and other members of the public and the regular ongoing messages /letters/texts remind me why I am doing this and give me strength to carry on. I am also supported by my solicitor Gerry Dunne who has been with me on this awful road for many many years now. I have been well supported by the media who follow my quest for justice and in particular Nicola Tallant and the Sunday World who have stood by me through the years and fought hard for justice for Noleen. I was relieved and excited to reach a stage in my studies recently where I knew I would be able to graduate in 2015 with a Bachelor's Degree in Social Science and I felt I had achieved the unachievable and I will post more on that nearer the time.

So yes, in all I feel I got somewhere in 2014, I feel I achieved something and I feel I did all I could to get justice for Noleen. Its not easy for me to say that because most of the time in the last 20 years I felt I had not done enough for her, in fact nothing I ever did for her ever felt enough, how could it?? How could I as a mother ever feel I had done enough to put right what they did to her?

I can already hear you saying that it wasn't up to me to make it right, that I was only a child too, but as a mother I have this huge need to make it right for her, and when I can't I torture myself and carry the huge burden of responsibility of trying to get justice for her.

So this year I have been able to feel that the burden is not so heavy because the police investigation along with the possibility of the public inquiry and the petition and the support from my solicitor and the Sunday world have eased my load and helped me to
feel that things are moving or happening at long last.

I must not forget Richard Boyd Barratt and Clare Daly and the support they also gave me which is second to none and remarkable, also Niall Collins has been in regular touch with my solicitor too.

But of course it wasn't all good, firstly the fact that the case was being looked at caused me a lot of trauma and distress, which haunted me daily, it was agonising and prolonged and it is still on going and not about to ease up anytime soon. Most days it was all I could do was to get out of bed and my studies went out the window causing me to have to cancel my graduation in the summer of 2014, this left me feeling very upset and disappointed and robbed all over again.

Simon was diagnosed with prostate cancer in September but had been having the tests for months and they were hanging over our heads, he is now waiting to have surgery so things are still worrying until he gets the all clear.

I would say that 2014 was probably the worse year in many years for trauma and distress and PTSD and nightmares and flashbacks and anxiety all due to the police investigation and other developments.  A lot of the time I felt as if I was dead inside and an empty shell, every time I thought things were settling down another part of the case jumped out at me or came back to haunt me. But I wasn't the only one haunted.

I knew that no matter what I was going through the men who abused me were going through more, the tables had now turned, they were the ones frightened of the knock on the door, or scared of the newspapers reporting on the crimes they committed and it was now them running scared, OK, so they were not in prison but they might as well have been because everyone now knew who they were and they were exposed in the Sunday World with their faces pixelated but easily identifiable.

It was reported in the media when they were brought in for questioning and it was also reported when there main ringleader of the paedophile ring was booted out of the sports club where he had been chairman for over 40 years, even two weeks ago a journalist knocked on his door and I am sure they will be knocking again very soon.

So, what's the moral of the story?? What can I say at the end of 2014?? Well, I can say that despite everything, the stress and the trauma, the awfulness of it all, I still survived, despite Simon being ill we soldiered on, despite not graduating I still managed to go back to my studies and to see to it that I will graduate this year.

But most importantly I think that despite the awful horrific childhood I had, a childhood I should NOT have survived I did survive, but not only did I survive I went on to learn to love and to be loved.

I went on and found the strength to fight and I finally feel that I was a good contender that I put up a good fight and that I took back some of my power. I am no longer that terrified little child that they controlled and ruled in my home and my school and my community.

No matter how this ends for now I feel like I didn't give up, I didn't take no for an answer and I went after them, I went after the men who abused me and destroyed me and who thought they had got away with it. I went after men whom I was terrified of as a child, men who controlled me, men who were sure of my silence and their secrets being kept, men who were pillars of the community, men who had the money to pay others for their silence too and men who were policemen and had good friends in tje police but nothing lasts forever and just when they might have began to believe that they finally got away with it, that they were home and dry I came after them and  for that I am proud of myself.

Even if they never go to prison I still feel like they are incarcerated in their minds, just like I used to be as a small child waiting for them to do what they did, now they are waiting for me.

As we go into 2015 I am no longer an abuse victim, I am a fighter and a survivor and I am also a wife and mother, I am a student and a friend, a pet owner and many more things.

I no longer allow abuse to define me, its now a small part of who I am, I am many things and I am sure in the future I will be many more.

So, my plans as we go into the new year??? Well,,,, my plan is to continue in the new year on the path I am on now, the path of seeing out the police investigation and praying that these major developments come to fruition. Then hopefully I will get the inquiry my case needs and deserves and I also intend on keeping up my campaign as usual, updating my Facebook page and I am now on twitter @cynthiaowen91 and I also intend to keep on, keeping on.

I have no intention whatsoever of giving up or giving in, if I do not get justice or the inquiry or any other avenues then I intend to name and shame my abusers publicly.

I intend on letting the world know who they are and where they live and what they did, one way or another the world will find out what really happened to myself and Noleen and my siblings. So, for now I am happy to wait for the slow wheels of justice to keep on turning but once those wheels stop I will be ready to launch my public campaign immediately and ready to name them all and what they did.

So my message for the monsters who abused me  as we go into 2015 is, one way or another I'm going to find a way to make sure the world knows who you are, however I do it, but it will be done, no more secrets or silence and no more lies.

Thank you everyone for your much appreciated support and a Happy New Year, heres to justice and recognition and acknowledgement for myself and my siblings and Noleen and John.